Risk = Reward?

I can't believe Canberra Marathon is just over a week away and I'm not going to be racing. I've run the last nine of them - this was going to be my 'Griffin' tenth. It was also supposed to be the first time I ran under 2:50. Based on Melbourne last October, if I hadn't been injured and I'd kept up the training with Sean, I'm pretty sure I could have done it.

Instead, I'm frustrated as all hell. Looking down the barrel of months and months of modified training in the hope of getting back to where I was four to five months ago. And that's assuming I can actually start following a program soon and incorporating some track/fast running without breaking.

Without breaking. As Hamlet would say, "ay, there's the rub." I'm concerned that after all this I'm going to be overly cautious and not work as hard as I should because I'll be nursing my tendons. However, if I'm NOT overly cautious and I do end up breaking again I'll be left with nothing.

Is a modified program in which you remain cautious in the name of self-preservation better than risking it all to be the best you can possibly be?

I don't want unanswered questions. I want to know I gave it everything. I just hope over the coming months I discover that I do have more to give.

Ow, my bum

It's been a week since my second lot of PRP injections, and boy, has it been a long and difficult week.

Apparently I did too much after my injections last time so this time Dr Kuah said, very clearly, that I was not to run or ride for two weeks. I could swim but only if I used a pool buoy. He then wrote it all down and underlined the word 'STRICTLY' on it. He was serious.

The purpose of all this is to give the tendons the best possible chance to repair. It makes sense, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Do you know that swimming using just your arms is boring? And slow?

To be honest, the main thing that has been hard to deal with isn't being told I can't ride or run - yes, that's not fun but I can see it has a purpose. The biggest hurdle I'm facing is coming to terms with everything I'm going to miss this year.

No Canberra Marathon. No SMH Half. No state road 10k. No SMC. No Woodford to Glenbrook (there goes the chance of winning five years in a row). Highly unlikely I'll be able to do M7 Cities Marathon.

It's a bummer alright and I spent quite a few days feeling really down in the dumps. And frustrated. And I probably wasn't the most fun person to be around. (Public apology to my husband and thanks to family who went on a 'cheer up Joh' campaign on Sunday).

Physically, I think the post-injection pain has been a little worse this time. I didn't bruise as much as the first time, but sitting in a car for more than 15 minutes really hurts it. When I'm working on my computer I move around a lot (the joy of laptops) so I'm constantly changing position. I joked with my husband that I think Dr Kuah must have done something different this time in order to stop me running too soon.

I'm back doing rehab exercises and my right side is responding really well - I actually think the right side might have been OK with only one injection. As for the left side, Dr Kuah said he feels it'll probably need a third injection in four weeks, but Brent (physio) will test things out before that date and we will decide from there.

I'm hoping it doesn't need another one so I can start getting into some proper (if modified) training. Another injection means more time spent doing nothing (OK, pool-buoy swimming). Having said that, I'm obviously going to do whatever Dr Kuah and Brent recommend. They're the experts, they've got a lot of experience with high hamstring tendinopathy and I've got a lot of confidence they're giving me the best treatment and advice.

Oh I miss running. Miss, miss, miss it so much.

Lost: Motivation. Please return if found.

The longer this injury goes on the harder it is to motivate myself to get on with doing what little training I can do.

Every weekend I'm seeing races come and go. I'm seeing other runners progress and I'm feeling myself falling further and further behind. I do try to remain positive, and I can maintain a positive rhetoric and say all the things I know I should be saying, but the truth is that it frigging hurts and it sucks and I'm sick of it.

When the alarm goes off in the mornings, these days there is a great temptation to roll over and go back to sleep rather than get up and ride or go for a pointless (i.e. no specific goal) run. On Friday my massage therapist asked me how my body was feeling in general and I said I didn't know - it doesn't feel like my body. I feel unfit. I feel slow. I feel out of condition. Actually, I AM unfit, I AM slow and I AM out of condition.

There has been a great deal of swearing going on in my house as I try and deal with the frustration I'm feeling. Not only is this injury a physical struggle, it's also taking a pretty big mental toll on me. And unlike when I'm dealing with other things that stress me out, I can't go out and run to relax because the running (or lack thereof) is the cause of it.

I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't all doom and gloom. I know I am improving, it's just that the rate of that improvement is far too slow for me and my goals for this year. With Canberra Marathon off the cards in April it looks like my first chance at a marathon won't be until the end of July this year. That's half the year gone without trying to crack the 2:50 mark.

Of course, I'm also looking at the shorter races I'm missing. I really wanted to give SMH Half a good go this year, but I'm beginning to doubt I'll be in shape for it. If (when) my hamstrings ever come right it's going to be such a tough job getting back into race condition. At least when I started training with Sean last year  I had a strong endurance base and all I was really trying to develop was my speed. Now I'm starting from scratch on both counts. Insert swear word here please. Make it a bad one. 

Forgive this uninspiring post. I do try to remain upbeat and embrace all the positives in my recovery but sometimes a girl's gotta cry a little and a good blog's all about honesty, right? I love to run. I love the sense of achievement it brings when all the hard work comes together. I'm really, really missing that right now. I miss the camaraderie too. It probably sounds cliched but it's true - I love running and racing with other like-minded people. Especially at races like SMC where everyone cheers everyone else along.

Finally, some basic housekeeping:
I have my second lot of PRP injections on Wednesday after work. A week later I'll go and see Brent (physio) and we're going to do a whole lot of strength testing to see how things are progressing.

I used my Garmin for the first time in months yesterday. I've been avoiding it because I knew the figures would just depress me. I ran for 60 minutes at 4:40 pace. Better than nothing I guess and at least I can now start tracking my progress.

A marathon, a half, a 10k and another half (catch up)

Yes, I've been away from the blog for a while. I'm sure you've been on the edge of your seat awaiting a new entry. Pfft.

For the sake of brevity, I won't bore you with all the details of the races in the title. Here's a quick run down...

With Magda Karimali-Poulos (winner) at the start.

Canberra Marathon - 15 April 2012
Yes, I ended up running. Yes, this may have had a lot to do with the fact that my bib had a name and not a number! Oh the little things that excite me.

Went out way too fast - first kilometre was under 3:40. Decided I'd run to how I felt, seeing as though my preparation had been far from ideal. Went through 10k in 39:10 - surprised, as this was about 40 seconds quicker than Melbourne.

The now-becoming-usual toilet break hit again - this time at 30k, and I was definitely starting to struggle by then. I was a bit worried that if I stopped my legs wouldn't get going again, so I made a deal with my body: "OK body, I'll let you stop and go to the loo as long as you are aware you still have 12km to run."

Got passed by two women whilst stopped, which gave me something to focus on and chase. Caught them.

The three hour bus then decided to make an appearance - these days it's a bit deflating to get caught by the bus, but given my preparation (or lack thereof) I made the best of it and jumped on board. Better to get on the bus than be run over by it.

Played a bit of catch-up-drop-back for the rest of the race - highlighting my characteristic very uneven pacing. Managed to pull it together at the end and scrape in under three hours - 2:59:25 and fifth woman home. Not bad for only three long runs since Australia Day and a bout of Glandular Fever.

SMC - 21.1k - 22 April 2012
Normally I would never run a half marathon the week after a full marathon, but I had to do this race in order to make up the required six races needed to qualify for the SMC awards at the end of the series. I figured a time of 90 minutes wouldn't damage the body whilst it was still trying to recover so that's what I did: 1:29:52. Lucky to get first female and the race (at that pace) didn't seem to hinder recovery.

Sydney 10 - 6 May 2012
Freaking out. This was to be the second 10k I've ever done (not including a 10k in the Nepean Tri) and this was a proper, accredited course without the horrid hills of the Balmain 10k last December, Still, keeping with my commitment of doing things that scare me, I headed down to Homebush ready to compete as a Hills athlete for the first time (swapped from Blue Mountains to Hills because Hills has more female distance runners so we could enter teams events).

Went out too hard. Surprise, surprise - I usually do.  By 5k I was ready to pack it in - it felt like a piano had dropped on my back. Finished in 37:44. Disappointed (and a little surprised) by this because it's only two seconds quicker than the 10k time from Nepean Tri. Maybe I only have one speed, or maybe I was still recovering from Canberra.

Happy to score bronze in the teams with my new Hills teammates! Yeah!

Before the SMH Half.

SMH Half Marathon - 20 May 2012
1:23:11 - three seconds slower than last year.

Third in F30-39 division and 12th woman overall. My splits were quicker than last year's until right near the end (although the course has changed again so that may not mean much).

Not disappointed with the time but not jumping for joy either. A solid enough run. And I had my name on my bib again (pic left), which made it all worthwhile!

SMC 30k and still no decision

Oh what to do, what to do?

I said I would use Sunday's 30k SMC race to determine whether I would race the Canberra Marathon. If that were the case, then I should pull out of Canberra now - SMC went slightly better than I expected (in that I finished!) but it was certainly not up to the standard needed for a good marathon.

But I just can't do it yet. I can't bring myself to pull out of Canberra. I really love that race.

I finished the 30k in 2:07:43. That pace is a touch under a three-hour marathon. Given the time, I was lucky to get away with the win.

I lost about a minute at the 20k mark (yes, regular readers of my old blog would know why - I had to go to the loo AGAIN. Despite having gone FOUR times before the race). Still, that doesn't make the time much better,

There are a few reasons I haven't yet made a decision about Canberra:

1. I love the race. 
2. The second half of the 30k on Sunday actually felt better than the first half. My last few kilometres were between 3:55 and 4:03 minute/ks. It was early on that I felt really bad.
3. I'm not at all sore today - I find this odd and I can't understand it. 
4. I am entered and have paid for accommodation.
5. I love the race.

Of course, there are lots more reasons for not going to Canberra - lack of training (especially long runs), the possibility that it would do a bit of damage to the body/immune system because I'm still recovering from Glandular Fever, the fact that every time I have a bad race I take a big mental beating and my confidence hits rock bottom...

I don't know what to do.

I was sick again on Saturday - in bed until 2pm with temperature, sore throat, blocked sinus. I'm told GF smashes your immunity so you're a lot more susceptible to colds and flus. On Sunday morning I used one of those Vicks nasal sprays to clear the sinuses and it worked - just made my nose run a a bit but I could deal with that. Today I feel remarkably good. No muscle soreness, no sickness - just a little tired. I rode the home trainer this morning before work and I'm about to head out the door for a run (and I'm not anticipating any problems).

So help. I need advice, guidance, direction or divine providence to step in. Deep down I know what would be best. There are no miracles in marathon racing - I've learned that the hard way. If the work hasn't been done, it's always going to be a hell of day at the office.

Dammit.